| Lie together, cry together, I swear to God I hope we fuckin die together |
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[29 Dec 2005|01:27am] |
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with 5 times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This of course, to limit his strength & mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris punched his way out of his mothers womb. Shortly thereafter, he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
In "Way of the Dragon", Bruce Lee pulls out Chuck Norris's chest hair by the roots. Bruce Lee is dead.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".
Chuck norris flew back in time using a secret technique tought to him by bruce lee. There he roundhouse kicked leonardo da vinci and stole his plans to a machine leonardo has been working on his whole life. That machine was the total gym.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't $%.. he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the poo out of little kids.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
Chuck Norris ate a rubiks cube and pooped it out solved.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
In WWII Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples. He has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger, it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris round house kicked in the face that day.
The roundhouse kick has been proven to be more deady than kryptonite. The Death of Superman? Yeah, that was from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris, when clean-shaven, radiates the heat of three suns.
Chuck Norris is the only one ever in history to stare Medusa straight in the eyes and not be turned to stone. The result was Roseanne Bar.
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[13 Nov 2005|04:38am] |
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music |
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Nick Drake - Which Will |
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my eyes hurt
from looking at you
your beauty broke my beauty meter
now all I see is you
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[16 Oct 2005|06:29pm] |
the world takes
the word gives
flows like water from my head
makes me drown
in thought
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[03 Oct 2005|10:13pm] |
the soulution to everything
I have summized
would be
someone who loved me
enough
I am greedy
I always want more
there is never
enough
the most important question would be
could you love me enough to make me love you back?
could anyone
I don't think that there is enough love in the world
to fill up my empty parts
the nooks
and crannys
where something good once was
you don't exist
you're an imagined creature
an impossible creation
a figment of my
imagination
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| I have titled this B.S. "Questions" |
[01 Oct 2005|07:36pm] |
When you uncover the truth will you turn away?
When you peel back all the layers of the ugliness and trouble
Will it be too much for you?
When you realize, after digging deeper, that it was worse than you thought
Will you become afraid when you find the coiled mass of bloody, torn, and worm laden flesh
That is my heart?
Inside of me, it's like a car wreck
You desperately try to turn away
but can't help and stare
But when you see what you wanted will it have been worth it?
I've been broken
and put together
so many times
I walk around with a glaze of superglue skin
that's impenaterable
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[21 Sep 2005|10:55am] |
weird IM:
kniferightinyou: YO
kniferightinyou: did you want to ask me something or something?
JakeEnvy: yeah
JakeEnvy: will you make out with my brother
kniferightinyou: ok sure
JakeEnvy: SWEET
kniferightinyou: for $$$
kniferightinyou: or a new hat
kniferightinyou: either one
JakeEnvy: i have a hat you can have
JakeEnvy: its name is jimmy
kniferightinyou: what does it say on it?
kniferightinyou: hi my name is Jess
JakeEnvy: the hat's name is jimmy
kniferightinyou: is it mesh, I need the cooling aerodynamics in the back
kniferightinyou: oh ok....
kniferightinyou: oh i get it
kniferightinyou: that is gay
JakeEnvy: yes
kniferightinyou: so turn off the lights and lock the doors, you can have a moment alone with your hat
kniferightinyou: or seven
JakeEnvy: ON IT
kniferightinyou: on your hat?
kniferightinyou: well I guess, but the like hat will get fuXXored up
kniferightinyou: i own alot of hats
kniferightinyou: I*
kniferightinyou: do you have yahoo messenger?
kniferightinyou: WHO ARE YOU?
kniferightinyou: you're hurting my feelings, I need therapy now
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[17 Sep 2005|12:24pm] |
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grass from my fathers grave
still sticks to my shoes |
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| Phone Post |
[15 Sep 2005|08:15pm] |
 | VoicePost 
816K 4:07
| (no transcription available) |
(you hung up without pressing #. posting privately in case it was an accident.)
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| Phone Post |
[15 Sep 2005|05:46pm] |
| VoicePost
910K 4:55
| (no transcription available) |
(you hung up without pressing #. posting privately in case it was an accident.)
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| word |
[14 Sep 2005|08:09am] |
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Nothing more clearly shows how little God esteems his gift to men of wealth, money, position and other wordly goods, than the way he distributes these, and the sort of men who are most amply provided with them. - Jean De La Bruyere
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[12 Sep 2005|04:24am] |
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music |
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Atmosphere - Cats Van Bags |
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my tattoo guy was doing another dudes tattoo and the guy was talking about strip clubs and Bruce said something like that when he was younger he went a few times and he never liked it because he would always think of how the girls there were someones daughter or sister.
that is hardcore
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| Phone Post |
[26 Aug 2005|10:35pm] |
| VoicePost
949K 4:59
| (no transcription available) |
(you hung up without pressing #. posting privately in case it was an accident.)
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